Rummaging through papers
Trudging through the sand
Would you please hold
hold my hand?
I'm empty and I'm hollow
am all I good for is to swallow?
I'm so done.
Yet, I need someone.
It's been a random day, spent primarily on lounging about the house. I was prepared for yet another full blown argument with my mother, full of the typical screaming and slamming of doors, but for once we had a civil conversation pertaining to our relationship. I told her that I need space from her if I am to ever successfully heal myself, and she seemed to have understood. However, it wouldn't be the first time she's led me astray from her true intentions. She's very good at being manipulative when she wants to, and I've certainly learned from the best.
Anyway, I was feeling so good the past few days, and slowly getting better until I find that she's been saying nasty things behind my back to my father and sister. The usual "Michelle is getting so fat." "She needs therapy." sort of things. It really gets to me. To her, she's always right. She can't possibly fathom that I may be depressed because of her constant put downs and plain old negativity. Instead it's just because I'm simply crazy. I feel huge and ugly...which sucks because I was beginning to regain SOME sort of self-worth, but now I'm back at square one.
I just feel so alone and yet when I do have company...I'm even more alone. It's like there is this gap inside me and yet nothing seems to properly fill it. No amount of boys and parties does any justice, it's all just temporary relief, in the end I'm more lonely. Another example, I've once again come across one of those typical "nice" boys, the ones who are very considerate and sweet....and like always, I'm not attracted to him. I can't even pretend to, like I just lose all interest as soon as I see him. And yet I know that compared to the others, he's a much better choice. But instead I still have dreams of my marine ex boyfriend, or I find myself practically praying that the "nice" boy will suddenly turn into my last ex boyfriend. And now I find myself slightly crushing, (though I still won't fully admit to it), on my friend's best friend. But it's mostly physical anyway, he temporarily fills "the gap". But seriously, why are girls always attracted to the "bad boys"? Why can't we just tell ourselves no and settle for those sweet, innocent boys? It only makes life more difficult, and yet I can't help myself!
Oh and in case you are curious, the poem, (well, it's not so much as a poem as it is my emotions attempting to sound melodic), was written when I stopped by a park, (the infamous park where "lustful actions" (trying to be discreet) with the friend's best friend started). It was a random impulse and I took it. And it was worth it, because it was one of those gorgeous summer evenings. The moon is full, the city lights dazzling in the distance, warm air gently cooled down by a soft breeze. I wanted to stay there forever. But I settled for swaying on a swing and singing my emotions to the tune of "Violet Hill" by Coldplay, which is when I thought of this mini poem.