Tuesday, June 17, 2008

qui je suis?

Rummaging through papers
Trudging through the sand
Would you please hold
hold my hand?
I'm empty and I'm hollow
am all I good for is to swallow?
I'm so done.
Yet, I need someone.

It's been a random day, spent primarily on lounging about the house. I was prepared for yet another full blown argument with my mother, full of the typical screaming and slamming of doors, but for once we had a civil conversation pertaining to our relationship. I told her that I need space from her if I am to ever successfully heal myself, and she seemed to have understood. However, it wouldn't be the first time she's led me astray from her true intentions. She's very good at being manipulative when she wants to, and I've certainly learned from the best.
Anyway, I was feeling so good the past few days, and slowly getting better until I find that she's been saying nasty things behind my back to my father and sister. The usual "Michelle is getting so fat." "She needs therapy." sort of things. It really gets to me. To her, she's always right. She can't possibly fathom that I may be depressed because of her constant put downs and plain old negativity. Instead it's just because I'm simply crazy. I feel huge and ugly...which sucks because I was beginning to regain SOME sort of self-worth, but now I'm back at square one.
I just feel so alone and yet when I do have company...I'm even more alone. It's like there is this gap inside me and yet nothing seems to properly fill it. No amount of boys and parties does any justice, it's all just temporary relief, in the end I'm more lonely. Another example, I've once again come across one of those typical "nice" boys, the ones who are very considerate and sweet....and like always, I'm not attracted to him. I can't even pretend to, like I just lose all interest as soon as I see him. And yet I know that compared to the others, he's a much better choice. But instead I still have dreams of my marine ex boyfriend, or I find myself practically praying that the "nice" boy will suddenly turn into my last ex boyfriend. And now I find myself slightly crushing, (though I still won't fully admit to it), on my friend's best friend. But it's mostly physical anyway, he temporarily fills "the gap". But seriously, why are girls always attracted to the "bad boys"? Why can't we just tell ourselves no and settle for those sweet, innocent boys? It only makes life more difficult, and yet I can't help myself!
Oh and in case you are curious, the poem, (well, it's not so much as a poem as it is my emotions attempting to sound melodic), was written when I stopped by a park, (the infamous park where "lustful actions" (trying to be discreet) with the friend's best friend started). It was a random impulse and I took it. And it was worth it, because it was one of those gorgeous summer evenings. The moon is full, the city lights dazzling in the distance, warm air gently cooled down by a soft breeze. I wanted to stay there forever. But I settled for swaying on a swing and singing my emotions to the tune of "Violet Hill" by Coldplay, which is when I thought of this mini poem.


Elana said...

michelle! i am so sorry about your mom! i'll save the boy conversation for another time...but i will tell you that is OK not to like him, you can't help how you feel (isnt that basically what you told me, just opposite problems?) seriously, we are doing something this week! we're both bored, you need someone to vent to, and i havent seen you in a week...and by the way, the poem? amazing.

yiqin; said...

I guess we always fight for things we can't have & bad boys just seem much further from our reach cause they won't awlays be there? I am sorry for what happened, all I know is I will have your back no matter what happen, even if I am so far away, just know that I care & I always will :)

Fashion-Obsessed! said...

A great emotional post,i hope you feel better soon, seriously it's not all bad, just focus on the good things and i'm sure you can eventually sort things out with your mom. Great poem as well.
Hope you feel good soon...you have an amazing blog, and style so you should be proud of that

Fashion-Obsessed! said...

Aww, thanks for your comment and i'm not 100percent sure i love it that much, i just didnt want to be in danger of looking like a pink present. haha


I hope things get better with your mother! I have many problems with my family as well, in terms of manipulation and they can never be wrong. But things will work out in the end. [=

Anonymous said...

i know exactly how you feel about your mom...all persian mom's are like this. just appreciate you only have ONE persian parental, not two. don't let her get to you though you are beautiful just the way you are michelle...you're always very smart, caring, and fabulous! i miss you :[